Day-6 The final desicion

You can or will never imagine how much time i've spent to make you happy, to see one smile of yours.
I waited endlessly for you to call, i tried everywhere, facebook, whatsapp and called you as frequestly as 20 times a day. I think another 20 thousand times, before making a single call to you. I cared for you as if you were my only baby, i have loved you more than anyone you can think of did.
I did lie to you when i was hurt, i did say things that i shouldn't have. But i never thought that these few moments were more than enough for you to dump me out of your life.
You've taught me a very important lesson of life, this is not all that my life is about, to make our relationship work.
I need to work for my goals, learn new things, meet new people, be more positive and help others.
This will boost my self esteem more than any girl could.

For all the times you've dumped me, i need to say thank you. Thank you for reminding me that i need to focus on my life, and not you.

Day 5- Finally a talk

Today i pinged her best friend, that she might feel jealous. Can't believe she din't even care to reply.
I texted her again and again and yet again. No replies. Has she told her that we broke up? Perhaps much more. None of my friends knew that i broke up. I did not have anybodys sympathy. Its not that i was not hurt, just that for me her respect really did matter, and i would never say or listen a word against her in my circle. On the other hand, i was completely ignored by her friends.

She would never take my calls, 500+ missed and counting. I asked one of my friend for his phone. 7-8 months back, i caught him staring shivani when i suddenly dropped in the kitchen when two were there. Yes, she had no idea. Soon enough shivani and paritosh became good friends. Funny thing was, once i read some of his chats in shivanis cellphone, no big deal. But when i asked paritosh for his cell to make a call, i din't see any of his chats with shivani. Why would he delete his chat with my girl was the obvious question, if the talk was decent. Yes, i did and do trust shivani and even then was very sure that she wouldn't indulge in something behind my back. Back then, paritosh was super horny(now he has a girlfriend) and would ask me often to accompany him to a brothel. Most people might have heard of GB Road, the sex market of the country. I was so curious to go there that i once took a childhood friend of mine to the place. We paid the autowala and extra large tip to show us the place and drop us back safely. Yes, we were excited, but scared as well, both of us decided not to get off from the auto. That was a quick 10 minute tour, all that we saw were markets and people, normal people. It looked so normal to us that we thought the money spent on auto was not worth it. We din't get any sighting of prostitutes as people would say, they roamed around the roads, probably because it was a hot summer afternoon. We sighted some brothels and some women peeking out of their windows, and that was all we saw.
I could have given a second thought to paritosh's request if i was not committed, but the obvious thing was to deny. Yes i did start judging people now based on their personal choices, not based on how they were to me. Paritosh was particularly nice to me. And a good friend as well. But the more shivani talked to him, the more i started hating him.

Today, i called her from paritosh's cell, i really really wanted to talk to her. All my attempts to just drop her a message failed, her friends wouldn't talk to me, she's blocked me everywhere. Yes, every f**king where.
I called her up, and in a single ring she picked up. She was quick to say hello, quick enough. I said Hi. I said to myself, calm down robin, calm down. This is the only chance you've got, get her back, tell her how much you love her. Next came, Hi robin, from her. It dint seem that she had a pinch of remorse over the breakup, nobody will say she's troubled. I couldn't control myself up, i said finally, Hi shivani, I always knew this is the only way you'd pick up the call. I'd have gladly taken up silence for and answer, she could've disconnected the call, but what she said was even more troubling. She said, "i picked up the call by mistake." Why shivani? Why would you say that?
tell me that its from an unknown no., the reason you picked up. Or give me any reason that makes sense. Thousand questions were fired in my head, but before i could say an another word, she hung up.

That night i couldn't sleep, she once told me that socialising is very important, it makes your way to success easier.
I was not social, anymore. I didn't even see my flatmates much in past few days, let alone leaving my dark dorm, I did not keep a track of day or night anymore, with closed curtains i couldn't make out much. She slapped me the life of a cimmerian and i wore it with pride, every single day.

Harder than thought

Time has the power to remedy grave wounds. I was so desperate looking for a time lapse function that would let me fast forward few years of my life, and help me get over her. Its been 345,600seconds since we broke up, i wish days were shorter now. 

I made a fake facebook account to sneak into her profile, not really stalking, but recalling those moments with her. I was living those pictures, which i clicked for her, yeah she was the selfie freak. 

I remembered once she made me post a picture of me with her in facebook. Long back. When i asked her to do the same, she said she couldn't, after all she had her family and all the cousins in the world who'd be really pissed if she did so. Today i saw many pictures of her, leaning over boys, many. None with me but.NONE.

The best she has done to me in these 10 months was to change me. 

I recall the first time i saw her. Then, i was committed with a girl in my college.It was a very casual relationship, and none of us really proposed each other. I was always in the hunt for such relationships with no commitments and most people would say i'm an asshole womanizer. I remember one of my ex calling me a male chauvinist pig on my response to "do you really love me?".

I've always looked terrible, some said it was the charisma that got me laid, some said it was my deep pockets that was responsible. 

I noticed her cleavage and i was quick to judge her. I thought she'd be easy to get. A piece of cake.

I talked to her, and took her out. She was very interesting, i was fond of her company. She almost killed my postulate that says hot girls are always dumb. I liked to have her around as a friend too, but i was lured by her beauty. After 2 dates crossed, i invited her over to my place for the night. She agreed to join me after her evening clubbing plans. 

I grabbed a few beer bottles and ordered some mc veggies quick. I sat next to her, two sips down, playing guitar for her. She seemed to be having a good time, but i was nervous as hell, trying to figure out what would impress her. Few more hours with her were not exactly very remarkable. I proposed a movie and she agreed. I sat next to her, my arms around her, and the movie. Ahh :)

It was a horror movie which tops the Imdb list, purposely put, so that she gets scared and gives me a tight hug. This is how it works out in movies anyway. But shit, the wifi went off, leaving me in a total despair. How could you do this to me God?

What happened the next moment was something i've been trying really hard to forget. I was lying next to her, when she got really close. We talked and talked and talked until the moment i could feel her breath. She kissed me so softly and gently that it hardly fell anything. I went to the cloud9 rather than seventh heaven, as i liked it wild, always. Soon enough i made my first move,but i was still very bad at unhooking bras.next few mins were my pointless attempts to unhook her, to which she relentlessly laughed. We made out for a while and i finished myself. I din't even care to ask her anything, i was tired and fell asleep very soon.

She woke me up in the morning and she slipped into a tee of mine. She told me she was going to leave, i said okay, stupid enough not to realise that she expected me to drop her. She possibly also expected me to hug her first thing in the morning, make love, talk to her and get her some coffee. Worst i could have done was go back to sleep, which i obviously did. I did not call her back or text her till evening, when i got a call from her telling me that she will need the bra and top she left at my place. 

Only if i could change one thing in the past, i'd have made this special for her. 

I have my regrets, and i've decided to live with them.

I called her yet another time!!

2;00am, 4th of may

I'm getting weak, with each passing day. There is no time for supper, or a walk. All i do is lie like a crippled one, who could just flap his arms to move. I decided not to call her, but i did. Her auto reject made sure that she dint hear it ring. Its two in the morning here and i'm as troubled as a baby, only that it has its parents to care when it cried, i had no one. And yes, i did not cry, life looks to ordinary, and meaningless to me now, like a black and white film, and yes, i wouldn't cry in a sad or horror scene if the print was black and white. Everything seems so calm, just like the day i went on a trek with her, the evenings went quite scary, i was very scared, well the situation was to blame.

After some juice and muffins, we filled our backpacks with supplies, we were to leave for a trek to the Mighty the TRIUND. We took a taxi for the first few miles and walked rest of it. She was fun to be with, not very enthusiastic about the trek but. This was her first trek and we made frequent pauses. We were slow and steady, but that got us into a problem.

2pm, 4th of may

Just got back into senses, got to finish the story. I am very calm and relaxed now. The story, yes:

It was dark, everywhere, we couldn't make it on time. 3 more miles to go, paths were very steep and rocky, i remember stumbling many times, but i was particularly scared for her. I held her hand as close as possible, assuring her that everything will be fine. We were not alone, our guide had a 5% battery left in his phone which thankfully had a torch that kept us guiding, mine and hers discharged.

We were crawling from one rock to another, yes, thats right, crawling. Maybe half miles an hour. Its was so dark that nothing could be seen, not even my hands were visible to me, let alone the steep path. She was clam and steady, i was the weak one, just like today. I was weak and scared. Not because of the wilderness, not because of the darkness, but because with great girlfriend comes great responsibilities. Going to the trek was my idea, i pushed her all the way to triund when she wanted to give up halfway. Had i not been so selfish, this would never happened. I kept crying like a baby, praying that we could safely get back. The rocks and spikes were hurting, i slipped countless times.

The ending was a happy one, sure. After 3 hours in darkness we noticed that there were no more rocks, just gently carved paths. Few minutes later we could even see the lights of dharamkot down the hill. Soon enough, we found a road and then a taxi back to hotel. One thing that keeps me going everytime, is her by my side. No matter what the situation is, and yes we've seen worse. 

I once told her that i don't really want to be with her. One very wise quote said: You might choose not to regret after you do something, but do have the courage to live with it for the rest of your life.

I'm sure things will change, they'll get better, for they can't get any worse.

Day 2- Drafting the roadmap to forget her

who’s the LIAR BITCH?

She has always told me not to judge people. When scrolling through my friends wall, she once said, is she your friend? the girl looks like a slut. The girl was my junior, and maybe one of the most sober person i’ve ever known. She was mad at her own friend nidhi,for making out with a boy who was madly in love with nidhi.

Everything seemed just to me, but today i scrolled though her profile, a group photo with none of the girls showing their back and she was flaunting her backless top in a very unique way. Not slutty, but very sharp, way more than the people she used to judge. This made me realise the conversation we had few nights back, when in middle of a conversation she confessed that she made out with a random guy sometime back.

Late March Morning, my second day in manali.

Me and shivani arrived last morning to manali bus stop. After a very tiring bus ride we were finally here for a short weekend trip. We had a wonderful day and we visited many of the top attractions here already. The place was perfect to start fresh and fall in love with her again. Not thinking about the countless mini breakups i’ve had with her, i spent some of the priceless moments with her but the following one was special.

In the hot march season, we finally managed to find snow on top of a cliff, taxis, cable cars, a mini trek and what not we did to reach there. I have been to hill stations before, but this was the unforgettable one. And then, saffron on top of it, there it was, the snow fall. i would’ve bathed in it but something terrible happened. Shivani looked very ill, i felt her shiver. The next thing that happened was very obvious, old school movie scene. I tossed my jacket on her, took her wet one, and we immediately took the cable car for our way back. We had plans to drive halfway to rohtang, but it din’t took me a minute to drop the plan for which i was here. I was so cold and numb, with a wet jacket on, but it dint seem to worry me. We immediately took a cab back to hotel, and we stopped several times in a 15 minute drive so that motion sickness won’t trouble her. I made her lean to my arms and told her everything going to be alright. Sure everything went fine.

 Oh wait, not everything. That evening i had cough and cold, which was bound to happen, no big deal. The next evening, when we left the place, i felt really ill. None of you might be aware of how we sleep in a semi sleeper, she lays down stretching her as much as she can, my arms be like pillow to her and she extends from half of my seat to entire of hers. I’d try to compress myself to a fraction of my seat, make sure i don’t move much so that she could sleep properly. On our halt to a dhaba, she had to freshen up. I remember holding a bottle of water and waiting for her at the door for nearly half an hour just to make sure she is fine. Yes, i was very much protective, and she hated this side of me. Sometimes she’d claim that i am very possessive too, and that i should trust her more.

I used to care for her like a baby,whenever she’s with me, wherever we are or whatever might be the situation.

This was not me, this was never me, and i blame her for the change in me. I was never serious for anyone, not even for her sometime back.

Pre Love- Agar ek ladki dukh deti hai toh marham bhi ek ladki hi laga sakti hai

Post Love- Agar ek ladki dukh deti hai toh marham WOH hi ladki laga sakti hai

Well, the obvious conclusion of any reader would be, i am so desperate to get back.

The real thing is,however, that i would never get back with her.

Day-1 The end of a new beginning

Day1- At first, it felt really easy. Easy to move on, to break free and drive to a new place in a -never been to-path.

But something was breaking me from inside, forcing me to mend situations, ask for forgiveness for something i am not ashamed of, to someone i don’t really think deserves it. I can’t bow down to someone again, i can’t beg for justice again, for my life. All thats there in my mind is a wish, a wish to hold myself, for just one more month, and it will be over. Everything will be different. Mornings will be delightful, everything will be so fresh and every season will be spring. I will be as happy as the morning birds. I wont have a faint memory of the flashback, a glass of the finest red wine in a garden where flowers only bloom, they don't die will be my life. 

I had a glass of sex on the beach the last night, and something was different about the place when i was there. I was probably the only one who din't want to be there, i have always hated such fancy places. Baby, i still love you, you are still in my heart, i was told, and what not. I also was told something which came in the middle of the conversation, out of nowhere, that my darling friend made out with a random guy sometime back. 

Got anything at all? no? okay listen.

Shivani is a pretty, charming and amazingly hot(at least she seemed to me) girl who'd also seem like a very intelligent and practical person to you. And yes, i took her out, to one of the most fancy candlelight dinner places here. She was not my girlfriend now, but she was 2 days back. We dated for nearly an year, over the time both of us changed a lot, there is no specific reason for why she broke up, or say there are plenty of them.

No, this story is not about shivani only, its more than just that, its about ankita too.

And before you judge me and mark me a pervert for dating 2 girls at a time, let me clarify in advance, i never met antika in last 4 years, to this day.

This is going to be the most complicated love story ever. No, not a love story, just a story. Some stories have happy endings, others have sad, mine had none.

I had no reasons to be either happy or sad, nor i could ever cry or smile again, i was just numb.

(next update-tomorrow,3rd May)